The Egyptians and Passover

The Egyptians are going through some trying times nowadays. After fighting over a month to get rid of a brutal dictator they are still struggling to rid the country of corruption and worse. Shady elements from the previous regime cling to positions of power, while emboldened Islamists join army loyalists to manipulate the country's future. Crime is up 200% (probably due to all the unemployed police who are trying to create a demand for their services) and religious intolerance (By Islamists) is making the headlines. The question is, can the Egyptians get thru these trying times? The answer is Yes.

The Egyptians have been thru much worse. The time of Passover is upon us, so let us now reflect back on how Egypt was able to survive through 10 nasty plagues God beset upon them for refusing to emancipate their Hebrew slaves. In comparison it makes Egypt’s current situation look like easy times.

1.Plague of Blood — Exodus 7:17–18

God turns the Nile into a river of blood and all the water in Egypt becomes bloody and undrinkable. All the fish die and the Egyptians have nothing to drink except maybe some mango juice or wine which would run out fast with no water around. You’d think this plague would be enough to break their will in a couple days but the Egyptians persevere.

2. Plague of Frogs — Exodus 7:1–4

God then sends billions of frogs to hop all around egypt and gross out the ultra squeamish, but now the Egyptians have a new french cuisine to replace the lack of fish. The frogs won't last long however without water.

3. Plague of Gnats— Exodus 8:16–17

God turns the dust of Egypt into gnats. There is a lot of dust in Egypt so that means a lot of gnats. But guess who eats gnats? That’s right. frogs. So the frogs would eat the gnats and leave Egypt quite dust free which would be good for Egyptians with allergies. Plus the frogs would get fat on the gnats and make better dinners of themselves.

4.Plague of Wild Beasts— Exodus 8:20–21

By now the frogs have all dried up and died, so the lord sends a replacement.

"Let my people go, so that they may worship me. If you do not let my people go, I will send swarms of wild beasts upon you and your officials, on your people and into your houses.”

Yes God swarms the Egyptians with wild beasts, who are happier now because they have something better to eat than dried frogs. No more commuting to the hunting grounds because all the wild game are running through their living rooms.

5. Plague of Pestilence— Exodus 9:1–3

God created disease to kill off the Egyptian’s livestock which they don’t really need anymore because they have homes full of wild animals that they can eat and make fur coats out of.

6. Plague of Boils — Exodus 9:8–12

God gives everyone boils. OK this was a bit of a drag, but when your house is an animal safari a boil on your ass would hardly be much of a distraction.

7. Plague of Hail — Exodus 9:13–24

So god says:

“at this time tomorrow I will send the worst hailstorm that has ever fallen on Egypt, from the day it was founded till now. Give an order now to bring your livestock and everything you have in the field to a place of shelter, because the hail will fall on every man and animal that has not been brought in and is still out in the field, and they will die”

But he already killed the livestock off with pestilence, so the Egyptians stay in the shelters and let god eliminate the homeless.

8. Plague of Locusts — Exodus 10:3–6

Now God sends Locusts. But if you’ve ever watched Andrew Zimmerman’s bizarre foods you will know that Locusts are very nutritious.

9. Plague of Darkness— Exodus 10:21–23

Three days of Darkness. Nothing to do but lounge around and sleep for a few days. Egyptians have no problem doing this.
Finally God realizes that his plagues are pretty lame and he decided to get nasty with them.

10. Death of the Firstborn— Exodus 11:4–6

This is what the Lord says:

“'About midnight I will go throughout Egypt (metaphorically because he's already everywhere) . Every firstborn son in Egypt will die, from the firstborn son of Pharaoh, who sits on the throne, to the firstborn son of the slave girl, who is at her hand mill,”

So the slave girl has her firstborn die because the Egyptian Pharaoh did not free the Hebrew slaves. Does this seem fair?

A letter from an Egyptian slave girl to the Hebrew God:

Dear God

I appreciate your intentions to display your great might and persuade the Pharaoh to release the Hebrew slaves by besetting us with all these weird plagues. But as you must be aware, I am a slave myself and have no real say as to whether other slaves can be set free or not. So when I woke up this morning to find that my beloved firstborn had been struck down dead by your divine hand, I could only think of one appropriate way to respond. Go Fuck Yourself!

Happy Passover.